Darkness is when the worries grow and hope begins to waver. It’s easy to see all the good possibilities before you start something new. And in the middle of the darkness, whatever that looks like…an actual night or maybe a hard situation…in the middle of the dark, we can lose our focus on the bigger goal and find enough reasons to give up.

4 AM.

I made it to 4 AM last night before I quit the new breathing machine. I stayed there a few minutes before I called. There was no way I’d make it for 3 more hours. I was awake like it was time to get up because I’d reached my limit on sleeping with this new machine and mask. Maybe it was the combination of trying two new things.

We disconnected everything and I actually slept better without it. I was hopeful for the transition yesterday, but change is hard. Something didn’t seem right though. I haven’t found a solution yet because I woke up even more tired, of course.

I semi-warned my parents, “I’m the grey monster today.”

I put on grey pants and a grey t-shirt to match the cloudy, rainy weather and my blah mood. I did improve slightly after lunch when I finally drank a bit of coffee.

Details for this change still need my attention and I wasn’t ready to put my energy or effort into calling the “lung” doctor. Tonight I’m going back to the old machine. I need a dose of good sleep to erase my frustrations and renew my determination to accept the transition. I know it’s a process, but part of me wasn’t ready to begin.

Ask me tomorrow what I think and maybe I’ll have a better perspective, the one where I see the benefits of the change in the long run.

But I may not get there right away. The weariness sets in and the hope wavers. I doubt the decision or need for changing, just like I did the first time my doctor said, “You’ll have to start using a BiPap now.”

That transition took a while, yet I embraced it once I knew how much it helped everything. I just need to get to that point again…a new machine will be good…even if I slowly take my time to adjust.

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