What I carry
deep
in my heart
can be
a barrier,
a wall
to keep
us apart.
How do I
name
the darkness
inside—
the fears
I carry,
the trauma
I bury,
the tears
I hide
that need
the Light?
fierce wind,
whirling,
swirling,
outside
and in
remembering
when;
parents aging,
slowly
fading,
leaving,
my heart
grieving
what has been,
and the day
we’ll be
apart.
These wounds
and scars
can take
me far,
scatter
my focus,
make it
hard
to choose
silence and
solitude,
what I need
to reflect
and connect
to the One
inside me.
What I carry
deep
in my soul
can be
the route,
the way
to be
whole.
*****
A few weeks ago I sat by the lake near my house. I captured the photo for this post. I watched the big, dark storm clouds moving in and trying to take over the Light. I thought of the wild storm that my parents and I lived through in August 2020. This spot, one of my favorites for silence and solitude, had been tainted by the storm.
I remembered how much I struggled to sit by the lake in peace following the storm. It was difficult to live with constant reminders of what had happened all around me and within my body as post-traumatic stress symptoms lingered.
I remembered the ache inside me, the fears and the tears, the complexity of that season in life…the chaos of the pandemic, the isolation from my support system beyond my parents, and the realization of my parents getting older.
I remembered how long it took for the house repairs to be completed. More than a year. Construction projects were only one part of the recovery process.
I remembered. And I reflected on the Lord’s faithfulness. For all of the layers that I have carried or still carry, I know He has carried me throughout the journey. He cares for the things inside that I can struggle to bring to the Light. And He brings healing over time. While I still have days or nights that are impacted by post-traumatic stress symptoms, I am more aware of what my body needs to move through the stress in order to be grounded again.
June is PTSD Awareness Month, so I recognize this part of my story and the healing I’ve experienced over the last 4 1/2 years.
The same spot at the lake that was once only a reminder of trauma has become beautiful in a new way. Creation may groan with the suffering in this world, yet creation also reminds me of growth and resilience. This spot in creation echoes my own experience of growth and resilience over these years.
Thanks be to God that He is our Refuge, our Healer, and the Redeemer of ALL things, even the messy, broken trees that bring forth NEW growth after one of life’s storms.
What is one thing you carry deep in your heart and soul? What darkness inside needs the Light?